I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize