i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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