I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
