I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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