thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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