I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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