i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
