I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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