Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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