I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
