i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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