Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize