I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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