Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
