you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
