Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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