I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize