I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
