I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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