Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
