Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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