TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
