im having a threesome with these popsicles
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My bed smells like the plague
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