if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
