i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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