he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
