my phone needs a breathalizer
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
