Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
