when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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