I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
