Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
