He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize