Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
