you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
