I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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