I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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