He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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