rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
