oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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