Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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