Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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