I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
