I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
