Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
