first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize