do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
