I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize