i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
