The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
