I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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