Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
