i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
