You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
