an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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