i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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