I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
