i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
