I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
